Life is spiralling out of control. 2013 has to be the worst year of my existence. At times like these, I've no idea what I'm looking forward to.
Things are turning sour in every department. Career wise, I'm struggling and still fighting to get a good mba college while simultaneously running out of time. In matters of the heart, we're running on fumes. After 7 years, even she is tired of all the chances I blew and I've nothing else to do. Who do you turn to when you're your best guide and you're lost?
What do you do when the one you promised to love till eternity feels choked with you? Do you let her go free where she gets more attention and care from others or do you hold on to the hope that even in the darkest hours, you will not be left behind? Sometimes love is simply not enough. We are a living example of that. And yet at this moment of time, I'm helpless. I try not to repeat my mistakes but I'm running out of responses when the fights move to 'what have I done for her' every single day for the last 2-3 months.
I've nowhere to turn to, no energy to beg and not enough time to fight back. I took love for granted, hoping it would be enough. I've already lost in love once and so I gambled everything on this. And then I forgot that she is a girl. A regular girl who likes to be loved and cared for. Its no surprise she turns to the one who is offering her that. I forgot that she has never had her heart been broken. She can afford one.
My biggest strength is turning out to be my worst mistake. With age, I'm growing more understanding of the human natures of adjustment and toleration and yet forgetting that I simply cannot expect her to think like me. I'm boxed in with my own precarious notions and the constant need to adapt. She was my greatest achievement. There's something you should know about her. She's different. She's special. And the amalgamation of all those made me fall irrevocably in love with her. She's also the same. She has the same basic needs. And this greatest achievement is turning out to be a colossal failure.
Life is a wreck. Physically, I've so many problems that the doctors are going to have a field day with my body. Atleast I quit smoking. Mentally, I'm slowly losing it all. Sleepless nights, the imminent arrival of exams and the constant fights have left a hollow feeling inside me. Obligations and responsibilities have crippled my zest for life and these daily fights have knocked the breathe out of me. Sometimes I feel like begging her for a timeout. But I've always been saying that. And no amount of timeouts can change the fact that we are fighting over the same thing over and over and over again.
I'm writing these words today because I need an outlet. I don't have friends close enough who'd understand because first, they've never been in this spot and secondly, no one is close enough. The other reason I'm here instead of Twitter is because most of them have their own issues. This is something I've to fix on my own. Even if it means losing everything. Yes, their are a couple of friends I could talk to and bare all my frustrations out, and I figure they might understand my plight. But I know they'll blame her for compounding my already overgrowing list of miseries. And I would rather stay silent than hear them out. I don't want to blame her. I just want to be heard.
Its so hard to be me at times. I will need to change my view of the world to be successful. I will need to go where the wind blows. Because being me, hasn't paid off. It is so easy to blame her when life doesn't work out. Sometimes I wish she just understood. Sometimes I wish she simply doesn't fight the same topic over and over again. And as I wish, I know she wishes for some things too that I've failed in. But I'm running on empty. My head hurts. Alcohol simply isn't pushing everything away.
I can give the world away to be with her. Without her, I know I will give the world away. I cannot survive this. Neither can she. It is so tempting to damn everything to hell. But how do you when you know that without her, you're simply broken. I'm let down by my own actions and my own thoughts. Do I keep fighting? Hoping to slowly change to the way she wants me while battling the same fights over and over again? Or do I cease to exist knowing very well now that she can survive without me?
I dunno how much more I can take. I'm simply counting the days away. Every morning I yearn to hear her sleepy voice. Every night I dread the familiar fights. Neither of us are living. How I wish God made me different. How I wish I was everything she looked for. Wishes. Faint and fickle.
If she's reading this, I just want her to know what she already does. That she's the strong one in this relationship. The better one.
Dark clouds are gathering. There is a storm coming. The light at the end of the tunnel, I can't see it anymore.
I'm off now. I need some sleep. Some respite.
This blog is almost 4 years old now? No? 3? Yeah..somewhat about that. And to think that once upon a time there was about 10-15 comments every post [okay maybe 5-6] So you're wondering what happened? Life did.
Maintaining Abysmally Mine, The Writer's Lounge and Scribblings took a toll on my imagination and laptop. Abysmally Mine is still in that vegetative state I left more than a year ago. Methinks! Haven't written an acrostic or a cinquain in ages. About The Writer's Lounge, which was once upon a time, India's topmost group blog... *le sigh* That blog is almost dead. I'm still one of the admins, but neither me nor anyone in the virtual world ever goes there. Come to think of it, the blog which boasted of 400 reviews a month has faded away to 2 per month now. Think of decline and this might be the fastest one.
People change. And the blog suffers.
So I ain't writing no shit. No creative juices are oozing from by brain either. I don't read anyone's blogs and they don't read mine. Seems like a fair deal. There's just too much stuff. And on top of that, there's Farmville 2. 24 hours isn't just cutting it.
Anyway, moving on...was in Bangalore last week. Finally something I enjoyed. Even though waking up to my friend's morning boner poking my back was not how I envisioned my weekend trip to me. Nevertheless, the trip was fun. Sis burnt a huge hole in my wallet. Typical younger sibling. Love her to bits, hate her to the core.
Now that am back in Chennai, I need to find a way to get the shit outta here. 5 years is more than enough for a non-Madrasan to live here.
You guys living in Bom, Bang and Dilli, gimme a call if you have a job for me. Seri??
4 days till the world ends and 7 days till Christmas and Secret Santa. Dunno which to run from.
Till the next time,
Its FL signing off...
BTW, why you no tweet???
Ever felt like coming back to a blog out of pity? Yeah? The feeling's mutual mate. And now that I'm here, the 'me' that was brimming with ideas prior to opening this page has vanished again.
So, to the sad person who actually thought I will write something inspiring and funny, I'm actually laughing at you. C'mon this is just a dump. My daily ramblings is officially my once-in-a-while-i-remember-you ramblings.
Speaking of once in while, Maddy visited me. Oh yeah! I met her after a year. Can you believe it?? A year! I was almost a dry-sexual. Anyway, little happened to change that status. But I am not complaining. Anything is better than a year of watching porn and exercising my hand. Its 9th of the month and I'm broke. Yep, girlfriend visiting you can do that. And not to mention it was Deempi's birthday. Who on earth knew that a frigging cake would cost me 1500 bucks. Plus, a school friend's girl visited Chennai and I was asked to be her bodyguard slash guide slash unofficial date for the better of 4 days. So whatever little money I'd hoped to save, went into the pockets of numerous cab drivers with ugly hands.
And Homeshop18 has this unfortunate habit of delivering books when funds are low. So yeah, I might have to survive on someone else. Yet again. The only positive thing I can see so far is that I'm leaving Chennai in less than 30 days.
That's it. I've nothing else to talk about. Atleast for now. See you some other time.
Its FL signing off.
Its been a long time. I've been so busy lately that I've forgotten that I've a blog of my own where I can drop my thoughts.
These last few months have been hectic. I don't get break from work. Speaking of work, I know, most of you have no idea am working. Well, basically its not work. I'm still planning to go abroad but till the fated day arrives, am working. First, it was Amazon customer service and now am in McAfee tech support. In a way, pay in tech support is much much much better although I loved the work involved with Amazon.
Also I've been actively busy with my other blog lately, A Lot of Pages. Yeah, that's the one. And I realize that it frigging costs a lot to maintain a book review site. With events happening every month over there, am glad that I earn a bit.
Haven't met Maddy since June last year. This has been the longest and honestly, its stretching too much now. I'll probably drop a visit to Kolkata sometime this month.
What else? Yeah, still living with bro and the ladies. The dog is growing up. She is more than a year old. Everything else is still the same. I've stopped going to twitter. I went back for a while and saw that people have moved on and I felt clueless over there. Its not their fault. So, I decided not to go again. Maybe one day I'll start a new account and start afresh.
Chennai as usual has been horrible. Its people more the so. My friends in chennai, most. No calls, no messages, no pings!
#notetoself: Quit whining.
Anyways, that's all for now. Its almost 6am and I'm yet to sleep. Catch you later.
All the people I blogged with, well not all, but most like Artz, Nush, Arun, Esther, Ste have stopped blogging and only Leo, Nimue and Rashi are active. Also, after them came friends like Rashmi, Nabs, Deepti have stopped updating their blogs and are rarely active. The current third generation of bloggers since my time are the only ones active here and believe me when I say this, even they will stop within a year.
Life moves on. People find new hobbies. Blogging becomes least interesting as more vivid ways of communicating and sharing ideas come alive. Only a few stay back. And only a few like me...cling on to memories and hopes of reviving the lost art of blogging without even having a hope.
Phew! Wow whining is my super power it seems.
Anyway, 2012 is upon us. Judging by the way the last few years have sucked, I can only hope this one is better. I am even ready to embrace armageddon.
Sayonara till later. As usual, am running away.
Its FL signing off
My BB is dying. The keypad is in a state of coma and the screen keeps getting blank every few minutes. Not to mention the fact that the silent and vibration profiles do not work as they are supposed to. And the only calls I get are from my girl, my mother and various assholes trying to sell me something. I need to find a way to pataofy dad into getting me another cell. Mom is always the answer but i doubt it will work this time around.
Enough of mobile talk now. Btw am out of twitter. Yeah, after 35000 tweets, i have decided to give myself a break. Well no, i didn't decide, my mobile did. but what the hell. I spend my days drooling at my book blog or by reading novels. And yeah i decided to get a part time job till i clear my backlogs. Customer Support at Amazon.com. Blah!! Thank God, i don't pick up calls!!
Giving cooking a rest too since bro and bhabi are always home these days. That allows me freedom to play FIFA 12!! yeah baby!!! Okay chalo, ab i am going.
Catch you later. Until then, its FL signing off
Laziness has conquered me. This is the third day in a row i haven't showered. or changed my boxers. I think its time. Also, my beard and mustache has grown longest till date. Which reminds me, i don't have shaving foam. DAMNATION! Except these, life's all good. I study intermittently, dividing my time between blogging and reading novels.
Nimue's been begging me to stop doing fantasy reviews :( So yeah, am giving other genre's a chance. Read a historical fiction a couple of days back. That was ermmm....good. Now reading a medical thriller starring Dr. Temperance Brennan. Ooops, heart did another backflip. Gosh i love her!
And yes, cooking too. Without bro and bhabi in the house, i feel like i am in MasterChef Australia without the judges. Brought veal yesterday thinking it was venison. Yes, major facepalm moment happened. Roomie google'd it and learned it was baby cow. So its in the freezer now. I love beef, roomie can't handle it. Idiot! Good news is that while he is here, i can take a break from the nitty gritty kitchen work, even though i have started liking it.
Love life is going great. No fights *touchwood*. Mom and Dad are in Kashmir on their second honeymoon *sigh* Anyway, i told them to get some cool stuff from me. Reminded mom that Kashmiri girls are cute. She just muttered something that sounded like 'men!!!'. Anyway, off i go now. See you all soon.
Its FL signing off
Am a terrible person, right?? I always promise to be back regularly and then like always i don't. I am the master of all disappearing acts. Something that i am not proud of actually. But what the hell, you have a life, i have a life. This blog needs a breather away from you and me.
Whenever i open blogger, i never scroll down. I just click on new post at 'A LOT OF PAGES', do the necessary typing, hit post and voila, am gone. Today, i decided to stay back a bit and browse. So apparently i have more blogs than any sane person has. I have my own blog, "Abysmally Mine", which is currently in a comatose state. After that, i have THIS on-off personal blog that i seldom see. Am the ADMIN of "The Writers Lounge", which is slowly dying despite my repeated acts of revival. Also am the ADMIN of "Darlings of Venus", which is, as the name suggests an all-girls blog. Why am i even there, i have no idea. Though i presume the owner of that blog likes me as am a goooooooood friend. Also i am the OWNER of a "A Lot Of Pages", which as you know is a book-review blog. I thought that was more than enough but then i created another one, "The Naive Chef". Looks like cooking is my new hobby. Oh blame MasterChef Australia!
Talking of MasterChef Oz, have you seen DANI??? I frigging love her! Yes, i can watch repeat after repeats just for her. And mostly because i have nothing else to do. Bro and Bhabi and her sis are home which means i have the entire house to me. Well, not exactly....i am the babysitter for the puppy who is growing up at an alarming rate. So as you can imagine, my days are pretty void of work. And yes, my internet is back and that means downloading of porn shall resume to fill my lonely nights.
More about that later. How have you lot been? I should really visit your blogs too right? Hmmm about that, will do soon. Am losing touch with my writing and losing concentration as well. Anyway, adios for now.
Its FL signing off
P.S| have you noticed the new font color? Should i keep this or revert back to the classic purple of Freelancer?
That's a new way to greet. Yeah chizz.
So how many of you watched Messi last night??? Did you lot get your orgasms yet? Bwahahaha. Messi and Co. Huge disappointment.
So what do you do when one of your closest friends breaks up with one of your good friends even though they love each other to bits. Do you let them be or do you bash their heads out making them realize what they are doing even though you fully know that you are in the same shit with your girl. Maddy, me and a huge wall of nothingness in between.
Also, my ex-roomie broke up with his girlfriend of 2 years. Looks like she was double-timing him. So he caught her one day and fatak! One tight slap right in public! BITCH!!! I feel guilty a bit coz i was the one who used to tell him that long distance would work. And apparently it didn't.
Nothing more to say actually. Oh my cousin brought a watch yesterday. I showed him an awesome Titan watch and he went and got himself a silly Fastrack! Major facepalm moment happened. Also, i love the new fastrack hip-hop shades collection. Am getting one of those pakka se.
Until then, its FL signing off
Am still in the Bodyguard mood. "Mujhe ek ehsaan karo ki mujhe kuch ehsaan mat karo". Waah Waaah. No i didn't hate the film. Infact i loved the 2nd half. The only irritating thing was that huge fatso.
Managed to charm my future sis-in-law. I hope i did. She's so adorable and totally opposite of my almost-ex. Maddy has no intention of being in a relationship with me. This has been clear by the way she is acting these days. Nothing affects her anymore. I tried. I try to call her up and talk to her. I did my best to make sure her sister never complained about a single thing yesterday. I don't even get a thanks. Well i don't expect it. Atleast i expect her to talk to me. Once. Its been so long.
I am running out of ideas now. If i don't try, there will be another fight. If i try, i don't get anywhere. Girls can't just stop everything and move on. They will store these issues for future fights. All i want to do is switch off the fight mode and reboot life again. Wish it was easier for a girl too.
Anyway, other than that life is as monotonous as before. Getting tired of the heat and constant tick-tock of the clock. All i want to do is run away to Neverland and never come back. Being mortal is boring. Being forever young is the new temptation. Chalo, gotta go now. Have fun
Its FL signing off..
First of all, belated Eid to all. I was too busy hogging on Subways to wish you lot yesterday. But hey, better late than never. September has arrived. Which means -
1. People will be orgasming about Messi in India
2. I will be counting the days till winter
3. Maddy's birthday is around the corner
4. Me flying back to Chennai
Maddy and me are still in a no-talking relationship. Its like when Rachel says, 'we are on a break'. Well we aren't, we just ain't talking to one other. Love has its issues that only time will heal. Moreover I have a date with her sister today. Bwahahaha. Going for Bodyguard. I just hope its a real flop. Then i can tell her sis that Maddy was the one who recommended it. *evil grin*
Coming back to the topic of skinny jeans, nobody told me its a pain in the ass to walk when the weather's so bloody hot. I mean, i can't even scratch myself when the need occurs. Don't go eww eww now, i know all you boys, scratch. Yep. So yeah, skinny jeans has its bloody disadvantages. But i love it!
Had a good day out yesterday. Went to my ex-classmates place with my ex-roomie. God knows where he stays, its almost inaccessible by bus or rickshaws! His mom was cool until she practically ordered us to eat the green vegetables for lunch. Nobody told us that she's a teacher. A strict one at that.
And i will be making a comeback to twitter as soon as i finish reading the novels i have in stock. After 35,000 tweets, its hard to stay away from long. Yay, am almost a celebrity now. Considering Gul Panag follows me :P okay just kidding. But she will, since she's the only actor i follow other than @iamsrk.
I got the best surprise when i saw i had 3 comments in my last post. Whoa!! 3!!! I hardly expected anyone to read this blog... Am soooo happy *does the hokie pokie dance*. Anyway, i promise to read your blogs as soon as i return from the movie. Keep reading me okay. Seri?
Until then, its FL signing off
P.S| ex-roomie had a breakup. Long story, sad story. Will tell tomorrow.
I just realised that i have lost the art of being funny. Now i am just crappy. Though i still make awesome announcements. Feel like crying when i was once not-so-famous yet famous blogger and now my blogs have been reduced to be read solely by me. This is what happens when a mini break decides not to be mini anymore.
*grumble*
Topic Change. I shopped yesterday. Hell yeah! Also i shopped alone *looks around* See, i don't like company while shopping. I enter, i buy, i come out. End of story. One shop, all purchases. You lot should not let me blabber so much. I forgot what i wanted to say. Yeah, i got myself a sweet black jeans. Wait for it, SKINNY JEANS!! Hell yeah. Maddy and Kang was like WTF DUDE!!! where's your fucking fashion sense. But i was already in cloud nine and making my way towards cloud ten. See, i have a FLAT ASS! yeah, a pretty lil flat ass and skinny goes well with me. Well, it looked good to me when i checked myself at the trial room and none of the chicks at the store laughed. Good sign, right??
Anyway, that's done. Oooh wait, i also got a BATMAN tee...bwahahaha. Gotham City is officially under my control. *confession* i am yet to read my blog list. Have ignored so many blogs just because i didn't feel like writing my own. *sigh*
Hopefully everything will change soon. Miss Maddy.
Its FL signing off
BIATCH!
Tickets to Chennai have been confirmed. No, i couldn't get those buddy tickets from bro's girlfriend. Sad little me :( But i will get them for the Dilli trip. Which will be happening during the Formula One weekend. I was thinking of bring Maddy to feel the madness and experience the thrill of actually watching a F1 car zip by, but realised that we have an almost non-existent relationship.
We have been fighting and pointing fingers at each other. Or maybe, i am refusing to see my faults. Or maybe i know my mistakes and can't do anything about it. Whatever be the reason, this is taking a huge toll on us. On her also, i guess. Though she has surrounds herself with friends these days. AND THERE IS ONE bastard i met on twitter who told her that he was ready to make her forget me. BLOODY SWINE wanted to get into her pants! Nothing is working out. I usually don't sleep at night because i read novels. The last 3 days, i have simply been listening to songs and reading old blog posts and remembering Kodaikanal trips together.
Little does she know how much she means to me. But somehow even i don't have the strength to show it to her. Have left it to faith which is already low. Watched 'Break ke Baad' today. Yeah finally :P No, i don't expect Maddy to do a Padukone. But am no Imran Khan either. Either way, we are both in love and both lost.
P.S| I might not write ever again. Again, i might. This may or may not be goodbye.
Its FL signing off....
And with that, we have come to the mid-point of the year. Time to reflect back on the events of the last 6 months and my progress one month at a time. Okay done with that. Not that i have done anything to be proud of.
I completed 24 years of my existence. Yes, Happy Birthday to me. The last six months have been a blur. Raced against time to finish the final year projects and managed to score good marks but i still couldn't pass a backlog. Yeah, not your average Engineer i am. Parents celebrated 25th Wedding Anniversary. Hooray to them. *sigh*
Running out of words and this blog is getting on my nerves again. Bye.
When one part of your heart dies, when you lose a parent, these things take time to recover. I am more proud of them because they are so strong after losing both their parents. I hope i do not have to face that day soon. But death itself is inevitable and permanent.
Well everything seems to be falling back to normal as of now. The food i am allowed to eat is actually making me healthy. Thank God for Ghee, which is a must. Very soon, i will be again flexing my muscles. My cousins tease me that on the tenth day i have to cut my oh-so-long hair :( yeah!! My preciousness will be lost. But i can manage that. The only bad thing here is the lack of internet i get. No damn network. Also the constant flow of visitors drive me crazy. I go and say hello and then gape like a retard 'coz evidently i have nothing else to talk about and they have nothing else to ask.
Anyway, all's well that ends well. oh wait, nearly gave Dad a cardiac arrest, when flipkart home delivered my novels. Total bill was above 4300. Thank God, he's home and am not near him :P
So, that's about it till now. People are asking me to go shower and i have been managing to postpone till now. Can't anymore. *sigh*
Stay safe. Until next time,
its FL signing off
I was expecting it, but not so soon, not so sudden. I was the only guy in the family name so it was upto me to pay the last rites. And its scary. Its scary and its so hard to see someone lying lifeless. Someone you adores and loved more than anything.
Anyway, i hope his soul is in peace. I was happy to see him smiling before he departed. Heavy thoughts cloud my mind. I will blog later
Till then,
its FL signing off
Life is fickle.
What do you to when you see someone slowly dying away in front of you and yet you and the rest of the world cannot do anything about it. How do you look at that fighting face and say , 'give up' coz even the Gods have betrayed us. How do you hold on to the memories and fight back tears as the days close by? And yet, we try to be strong. We laugh it off and we try to be strong. For what??? For a few last dying moments of happiness?? Is it worth the pain that's swelling up in the heart. Is it worth the lie you utter do your loved one who will no longer be a part of your living world soon? Or is it better to love them by letting them know that time and fate is not with us.
Humans are fickle. And Relatives are the most dangerous humans ever.
I have learnt not to care. Not about anyone. Because in the end, you will realise, the only time people will love you unconditionally, it will be when you are in your death bed. If you are lucky, you might not even face to see the false tears. If we can't even assure ourselves of love from our own blood, be assured that the rest of the world will be after your blood one way or the another.
Stuck in Jorhat. My dad's elder bro is in a critical condition. I say stuck because i want to get out of here. I am tired of hearing people say why wasn't i here before. Am tired of hearing them bitch about my parents and me. And these are the people who are unfortunately my relatives.
Going out to have a beer later. JUDGE ME?? I don't give a rat's ass now.
Thought for the day is - "Hold me close and let the world collapse"
Song dedication. Yes, i want songs now too. "November Rain" by GNR. Yeah, kinda suits the feeling.
See you later
Surprised much? Me too.
Two days in a row is almost a rarity. But i guess i have to stick to something for atleast two days, right? Yeah, so am majorly pissed. You wanna know why? Ofcourse you don't wanna know! Who the heck even reads my blog these days. Anways, am pissed with my so-called friends. See, they know i am here okay. And they are supossed to meet me na? What's the spelling of supossed again? supposed?? oh anyway, no one bothers to even meet up> Nice friends i have. *sigh* So, i will be going for a movie tommorrow. Alone. Yep.
Well, i was about to do that today itself. The movie thingy i mean, but mom decided to wake me up at around 2pm. Wait, that wasn't mum, it was Maddy! Anyway, so that meant no breakfast and hell no lunch! i dont like heavt heavy stuff in mah tummy as soon as i wake up. Dad came for lunch, gave me a dissapointed look lol and went back to office while i crawled around in the bed. Its hard to please my dad, i swear.
Anyway, checked Flipkart. Yay, 3 books have reached. But i will probably go and get it myself. i dont trust their home delivery guy much. Anyway, i realised i say anyway a lot more than i should. So, had momos in the evening. Technically if it aint pork, i dont call it momo, but since there was no pork i had to settle down with chicken. Staying at home has resulted in less smoking :| yeah, i hate not being able to smoke.
You lot, i have started a new book review blog okay. So be nice and follow me there plicccchhhhhh..
http://alotofpages.blogspot.com
Until the sun sets, its FL signing off
