Life is spiralling out of control. 2013 has to be the worst year of my existence. At times like these, I've no idea what I'm looking forward to.
Things are turning sour in every department. Career wise, I'm struggling and still fighting to get a good mba college while simultaneously running out of time. In matters of the heart, we're running on fumes. After 7 years, even she is tired of all the chances I blew and I've nothing else to do. Who do you turn to when you're your best guide and you're lost?
What do you do when the one you promised to love till eternity feels choked with you? Do you let her go free where she gets more attention and care from others or do you hold on to the hope that even in the darkest hours, you will not be left behind? Sometimes love is simply not enough. We are a living example of that. And yet at this moment of time, I'm helpless. I try not to repeat my mistakes but I'm running out of responses when the fights move to 'what have I done for her' every single day for the last 2-3 months.
I've nowhere to turn to, no energy to beg and not enough time to fight back. I took love for granted, hoping it would be enough. I've already lost in love once and so I gambled everything on this. And then I forgot that she is a girl. A regular girl who likes to be loved and cared for. Its no surprise she turns to the one who is offering her that. I forgot that she has never had her heart been broken. She can afford one.
My biggest strength is turning out to be my worst mistake. With age, I'm growing more understanding of the human natures of adjustment and toleration and yet forgetting that I simply cannot expect her to think like me. I'm boxed in with my own precarious notions and the constant need to adapt. She was my greatest achievement. There's something you should know about her. She's different. She's special. And the amalgamation of all those made me fall irrevocably in love with her. She's also the same. She has the same basic needs. And this greatest achievement is turning out to be a colossal failure.
Life is a wreck. Physically, I've so many problems that the doctors are going to have a field day with my body. Atleast I quit smoking. Mentally, I'm slowly losing it all. Sleepless nights, the imminent arrival of exams and the constant fights have left a hollow feeling inside me. Obligations and responsibilities have crippled my zest for life and these daily fights have knocked the breathe out of me. Sometimes I feel like begging her for a timeout. But I've always been saying that. And no amount of timeouts can change the fact that we are fighting over the same thing over and over and over again.
I'm writing these words today because I need an outlet. I don't have friends close enough who'd understand because first, they've never been in this spot and secondly, no one is close enough. The other reason I'm here instead of Twitter is because most of them have their own issues. This is something I've to fix on my own. Even if it means losing everything. Yes, their are a couple of friends I could talk to and bare all my frustrations out, and I figure they might understand my plight. But I know they'll blame her for compounding my already overgrowing list of miseries. And I would rather stay silent than hear them out. I don't want to blame her. I just want to be heard.
Its so hard to be me at times. I will need to change my view of the world to be successful. I will need to go where the wind blows. Because being me, hasn't paid off. It is so easy to blame her when life doesn't work out. Sometimes I wish she just understood. Sometimes I wish she simply doesn't fight the same topic over and over again. And as I wish, I know she wishes for some things too that I've failed in. But I'm running on empty. My head hurts. Alcohol simply isn't pushing everything away.
I can give the world away to be with her. Without her, I know I will give the world away. I cannot survive this. Neither can she. It is so tempting to damn everything to hell. But how do you when you know that without her, you're simply broken. I'm let down by my own actions and my own thoughts. Do I keep fighting? Hoping to slowly change to the way she wants me while battling the same fights over and over again? Or do I cease to exist knowing very well now that she can survive without me?
I dunno how much more I can take. I'm simply counting the days away. Every morning I yearn to hear her sleepy voice. Every night I dread the familiar fights. Neither of us are living. How I wish God made me different. How I wish I was everything she looked for. Wishes. Faint and fickle.
If she's reading this, I just want her to know what she already does. That she's the strong one in this relationship. The better one.
Dark clouds are gathering. There is a storm coming. The light at the end of the tunnel, I can't see it anymore.
I'm off now. I need some sleep. Some respite.