Life is spiralling out of control. 2013 has to be the worst year of my existence. At times like these, I've no idea what I'm looking forward to.
Things are turning sour in every department. Career wise, I'm struggling and still fighting to get a good mba college while simultaneously running out of time. In matters of the heart, we're running on fumes. After 7 years, even she is tired of all the chances I blew and I've nothing else to do. Who do you turn to when you're your best guide and you're lost?
What do you do when the one you promised to love till eternity feels choked with you? Do you let her go free where she gets more attention and care from others or do you hold on to the hope that even in the darkest hours, you will not be left behind? Sometimes love is simply not enough. We are a living example of that. And yet at this moment of time, I'm helpless. I try not to repeat my mistakes but I'm running out of responses when the fights move to 'what have I done for her' every single day for the last 2-3 months.
I've nowhere to turn to, no energy to beg and not enough time to fight back. I took love for granted, hoping it would be enough. I've already lost in love once and so I gambled everything on this. And then I forgot that she is a girl. A regular girl who likes to be loved and cared for. Its no surprise she turns to the one who is offering her that. I forgot that she has never had her heart been broken. She can afford one.
My biggest strength is turning out to be my worst mistake. With age, I'm growing more understanding of the human natures of adjustment and toleration and yet forgetting that I simply cannot expect her to think like me. I'm boxed in with my own precarious notions and the constant need to adapt. She was my greatest achievement. There's something you should know about her. She's different. She's special. And the amalgamation of all those made me fall irrevocably in love with her. She's also the same. She has the same basic needs. And this greatest achievement is turning out to be a colossal failure.
Life is a wreck. Physically, I've so many problems that the doctors are going to have a field day with my body. Atleast I quit smoking. Mentally, I'm slowly losing it all. Sleepless nights, the imminent arrival of exams and the constant fights have left a hollow feeling inside me. Obligations and responsibilities have crippled my zest for life and these daily fights have knocked the breathe out of me. Sometimes I feel like begging her for a timeout. But I've always been saying that. And no amount of timeouts can change the fact that we are fighting over the same thing over and over and over again.
I'm writing these words today because I need an outlet. I don't have friends close enough who'd understand because first, they've never been in this spot and secondly, no one is close enough. The other reason I'm here instead of Twitter is because most of them have their own issues. This is something I've to fix on my own. Even if it means losing everything. Yes, their are a couple of friends I could talk to and bare all my frustrations out, and I figure they might understand my plight. But I know they'll blame her for compounding my already overgrowing list of miseries. And I would rather stay silent than hear them out. I don't want to blame her. I just want to be heard.
Its so hard to be me at times. I will need to change my view of the world to be successful. I will need to go where the wind blows. Because being me, hasn't paid off. It is so easy to blame her when life doesn't work out. Sometimes I wish she just understood. Sometimes I wish she simply doesn't fight the same topic over and over again. And as I wish, I know she wishes for some things too that I've failed in. But I'm running on empty. My head hurts. Alcohol simply isn't pushing everything away.
I can give the world away to be with her. Without her, I know I will give the world away. I cannot survive this. Neither can she. It is so tempting to damn everything to hell. But how do you when you know that without her, you're simply broken. I'm let down by my own actions and my own thoughts. Do I keep fighting? Hoping to slowly change to the way she wants me while battling the same fights over and over again? Or do I cease to exist knowing very well now that she can survive without me?
I dunno how much more I can take. I'm simply counting the days away. Every morning I yearn to hear her sleepy voice. Every night I dread the familiar fights. Neither of us are living. How I wish God made me different. How I wish I was everything she looked for. Wishes. Faint and fickle.
If she's reading this, I just want her to know what she already does. That she's the strong one in this relationship. The better one.
Dark clouds are gathering. There is a storm coming. The light at the end of the tunnel, I can't see it anymore.
I'm off now. I need some sleep. Some respite.
I'm back in Chennai. Minus the rains ofcourse. Having trouble figuring out what to do with life. Most of my friends are already working and they keep throwing not too-less subtle hints about me not having a job yet.
Sis has a job too. And by sis, I mean the one who's frigging four years younger to me. Yeah judge me. The sun keeps shining everywhere except on me. Nevertheless this has to be the proverbial year. I mean, I can only fail as much. There's bound to be success soon right? RIGHT? Some of my friends are planning to get married as well. The better half is impatient too. I don't blame her. I'm growing old by the minute. Facebook is disappointing mostly. Half the time people tag me in pictures with their new born kid. Okay they're cute but what's the frigging rush??
A cool blogger friend of mine got married recently. Her name's Aditi. Never met her. Dunno when I will. Hopefully before she is preggy. I want separate treats. Mentally ticking people of my to-invite-on-birthday list. Don't want friends/so-called-friends to come along with their kids. I'm not being rude, I love kids. Except not on my birthdays.
Did I tell you that I lost my BlackBerry. Went to attend my nephew's wedding (yes, another wedding) and somebody bloody nicked it. Sucker didn't realize its a bloody BB. I can wipe their data anytime I want. It would've been a lot cooler if I tracked down the BB and charged into their room with an air-gun. Sadly, Google Maps don't work much in interior Assam. So the BB is officially gone and I've managed to score a Samsung Guru. Atleast it has a torch which is proving to be extremely helpful in bathrooms when there is a powercut and I've nothing to do except the old familiar handjob.
On the love front, shit hit the fan last month. I'm still clearing the ceiling but it will probably take some more time.
My Bonnie lies over the ocean, my Bonnie lies over the sea.....my Bonnie lies over the ocean, O bring back my Bonnie to me.....Bring back o bring back, bring back my Bonnie to me.... Am listening to this song on loop. Its quite addictive, I must say. I remember hearing it somewhere before but couldn't quite place it. And then I heard it today on Elementary. After about a 100 re-listens, I remembered I heard it on Barfi. Except, I thought it was body instead of Bonnie. Which doesn't quite make sense unless it was someone singing from beyond the grave.
*goes back to listening the song*
Its FL signing off...
This blog is almost 4 years old now? No? 3? Yeah..somewhat about that. And to think that once upon a time there was about 10-15 comments every post [okay maybe 5-6] So you're wondering what happened? Life did.
Maintaining Abysmally Mine, The Writer's Lounge and Scribblings took a toll on my imagination and laptop. Abysmally Mine is still in that vegetative state I left more than a year ago. Methinks! Haven't written an acrostic or a cinquain in ages. About The Writer's Lounge, which was once upon a time, India's topmost group blog... *le sigh* That blog is almost dead. I'm still one of the admins, but neither me nor anyone in the virtual world ever goes there. Come to think of it, the blog which boasted of 400 reviews a month has faded away to 2 per month now. Think of decline and this might be the fastest one.
People change. And the blog suffers.
So I ain't writing no shit. No creative juices are oozing from by brain either. I don't read anyone's blogs and they don't read mine. Seems like a fair deal. There's just too much stuff. And on top of that, there's Farmville 2. 24 hours isn't just cutting it.
Anyway, moving on...was in Bangalore last week. Finally something I enjoyed. Even though waking up to my friend's morning boner poking my back was not how I envisioned my weekend trip to me. Nevertheless, the trip was fun. Sis burnt a huge hole in my wallet. Typical younger sibling. Love her to bits, hate her to the core.
Now that am back in Chennai, I need to find a way to get the shit outta here. 5 years is more than enough for a non-Madrasan to live here.
You guys living in Bom, Bang and Dilli, gimme a call if you have a job for me. Seri??
4 days till the world ends and 7 days till Christmas and Secret Santa. Dunno which to run from.
Till the next time,
Its FL signing off...
BTW, why you no tweet???
Ever felt like coming back to a blog out of pity? Yeah? The feeling's mutual mate. And now that I'm here, the 'me' that was brimming with ideas prior to opening this page has vanished again.
So, to the sad person who actually thought I will write something inspiring and funny, I'm actually laughing at you. C'mon this is just a dump. My daily ramblings is officially my once-in-a-while-i-remember-you ramblings.
Speaking of once in while, Maddy visited me. Oh yeah! I met her after a year. Can you believe it?? A year! I was almost a dry-sexual. Anyway, little happened to change that status. But I am not complaining. Anything is better than a year of watching porn and exercising my hand. Its 9th of the month and I'm broke. Yep, girlfriend visiting you can do that. And not to mention it was Deempi's birthday. Who on earth knew that a frigging cake would cost me 1500 bucks. Plus, a school friend's girl visited Chennai and I was asked to be her bodyguard slash guide slash unofficial date for the better of 4 days. So whatever little money I'd hoped to save, went into the pockets of numerous cab drivers with ugly hands.
And Homeshop18 has this unfortunate habit of delivering books when funds are low. So yeah, I might have to survive on someone else. Yet again. The only positive thing I can see so far is that I'm leaving Chennai in less than 30 days.
That's it. I've nothing else to talk about. Atleast for now. See you some other time.
Its FL signing off.
Its been a long time. I've been so busy lately that I've forgotten that I've a blog of my own where I can drop my thoughts.
These last few months have been hectic. I don't get break from work. Speaking of work, I know, most of you have no idea am working. Well, basically its not work. I'm still planning to go abroad but till the fated day arrives, am working. First, it was Amazon customer service and now am in McAfee tech support. In a way, pay in tech support is much much much better although I loved the work involved with Amazon.
Also I've been actively busy with my other blog lately, A Lot of Pages. Yeah, that's the one. And I realize that it frigging costs a lot to maintain a book review site. With events happening every month over there, am glad that I earn a bit.
Haven't met Maddy since June last year. This has been the longest and honestly, its stretching too much now. I'll probably drop a visit to Kolkata sometime this month.
What else? Yeah, still living with bro and the ladies. The dog is growing up. She is more than a year old. Everything else is still the same. I've stopped going to twitter. I went back for a while and saw that people have moved on and I felt clueless over there. Its not their fault. So, I decided not to go again. Maybe one day I'll start a new account and start afresh.
Chennai as usual has been horrible. Its people more the so. My friends in chennai, most. No calls, no messages, no pings!
#notetoself: Quit whining.
Anyways, that's all for now. Its almost 6am and I'm yet to sleep. Catch you later.
All the people I blogged with, well not all, but most like Artz, Nush, Arun, Esther, Ste have stopped blogging and only Leo, Nimue and Rashi are active. Also, after them came friends like Rashmi, Nabs, Deepti have stopped updating their blogs and are rarely active. The current third generation of bloggers since my time are the only ones active here and believe me when I say this, even they will stop within a year.
Life moves on. People find new hobbies. Blogging becomes least interesting as more vivid ways of communicating and sharing ideas come alive. Only a few stay back. And only a few like me...cling on to memories and hopes of reviving the lost art of blogging without even having a hope.
Phew! Wow whining is my super power it seems.
Anyway, 2012 is upon us. Judging by the way the last few years have sucked, I can only hope this one is better. I am even ready to embrace armageddon.
Sayonara till later. As usual, am running away.
Its FL signing off
My BB is dying. The keypad is in a state of coma and the screen keeps getting blank every few minutes. Not to mention the fact that the silent and vibration profiles do not work as they are supposed to. And the only calls I get are from my girl, my mother and various assholes trying to sell me something. I need to find a way to pataofy dad into getting me another cell. Mom is always the answer but i doubt it will work this time around.
Enough of mobile talk now. Btw am out of twitter. Yeah, after 35000 tweets, i have decided to give myself a break. Well no, i didn't decide, my mobile did. but what the hell. I spend my days drooling at my book blog or by reading novels. And yeah i decided to get a part time job till i clear my backlogs. Customer Support at Amazon.com. Blah!! Thank God, i don't pick up calls!!
Giving cooking a rest too since bro and bhabi are always home these days. That allows me freedom to play FIFA 12!! yeah baby!!! Okay chalo, ab i am going.
Catch you later. Until then, its FL signing off